Shin Seiki Evangelion: Somewhere I Belong
by AN Seranov
Summary: Shinji Ikari is a young man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He wants to get away from all his responsibility. He wants to be normal, with teenage love, hope and hapiness... He's going to go looking for something he's wanted all along...


**_Shin Seiki Evangelion: Somewhere I Belong_**

by Alexei Seranov

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Disclaimer: I don't own Shin Seiki Evangelion or Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong." I'm relatively poor. Don't sue. I will comply with any and all requests by GAiNAX or other companies affiliated with the making of either "Shin Seiki Evangelion" or "Meteora," to remove it from the internet.

"Spoken Word"

Narration/Action

_Thought_

**(Date)**

**_Lyrics_**

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**Author's Notes:**

            'Ello. Alexei Seranov here. Before I get to the story, I want to give major thanks to the people who've inspired me, given me their friendship, and enjoyed my work. You people make writing a joy. I have to thank the writers of such great works as _Phoenix Rising, _The One I Love Is…?_, _Shinji the Casanova_, and more, for such inspiring stories. Also, thanks__ to the guys of Linkin Park for having great songs that inspire me to write things like this. All of you, writers and musicians alike, your toil and effort have inspired and entertained many people, and I'd like to dedicate this work to all of you._

So, get reading, and I hope you enjoy _Somewhere I Belong_.

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**Life, is the beginning of death.**

**Death, is the continuation of reality.**

**And rebirth, is the end of the dream.**

**Do you ****love**** me?**

**Happiness is a lie.**

**The truth is painful.**

**The merging of our hearts, will destroy me.**

**-Neon Genesis Evangelion: Storm**

**(February 2016)**

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            My name is Shinji Ikari. The angry truth.

            It fits quite well. My entire life has been one giant fuck-up. First Mother died. Father left me. My Godparents never cared. Then Eva…

            I wanted so badly to spit in Father's face. To tell him to go fuck himself with a loaded 9mm. To laugh at Doctor Akagi and the giant purple monstrosity they presented me with. To not have cared about the strange girl who bled in my arms. Sometimes I wish I never met Misato Katsuragi. Never met Rei Ayanami. Not Touji or Kensuke, Hikari or anyone else. And especially not Asuka…

            But I did.

            And… I've changed because of it. Changed for the better. I've become friendlier. I can talk to people without fear. I can look someone in the eye and not flinch.

            Who am I kidding? I fear people just as much as when I arrived in this God-forsaken city. Probably even more so.

            _Kaoru…_

            But it doesn't matter. Nothing does anymore. Everything's gone wrong, and it's all my fucking fault.

            Touji's crippled. He'll never walk normally again.

            Misato is absorbed in her search for the truth. She never comes home.

            Mister Kaji is dead. The one man who was ever a father to me.

            Ayanami is… was… a clone… of _Mother… Now she's dead. The new clone… it's just not her…_

            Asuka… it raped her. Tore her deepest, darkest, most hurtful secrets and memories, and shoved them in her face.

            I… killed Kaoru. Crushed his body in my hand…

            I'm a monster. All I do is hurt and kill people! I can never do anything good when I want to! I just want to do something good for _me_, just once in my life. I just want to get away from _this_…

            Since I arrived in Tokyo-3, everyone's only cared for me, liked me, because I can pilot Eva. That beast that's even worse than I am. They know me for the one thing I detest most about myself. I want to go somewhere that the people won't care.

            I want them to care for me. Like me. _For_ me. Because of me. Damnit, I've tried so hard. I want someone to give me forgiveness. I want to be forgiven, so I can change. Become normal.

            I want to stop crying. I want to stop cursing the God that's ruined my life, and the lives of the people I care about.

            It's been three weeks since Kaoru.

            NERV came out of high alert yesterday. I haven't seen Father since last week. I have no idea what he's doing. When I have seen Sub-Commander Fuyutski, he seems… troubled. Almost surprised at something. He's called for a meeting for all the Command Staff and Pilots. It's something about the future of NERV.

-----

            From my seat in the front row, I wait impassively. I don't care about this organization. It's brought me nothing but pain and anguish. I'm book shelved between Misato and Ayanami. I can't say there's anywhere else I'd want to be less, at the moment. Asuka's still in the hospital…

            Fuyutski walks in. He looks even worse than before. He looks like absolute shit. His eyes are bloodshot and glassy. His silver hair is unkempt and greasy. Despite this, it's not what bothers me.

            He's not following Father. He came in alone. He coughs, whether it was to get our attention or because he's sick, I cannot tell. He begins to speak in a shaky voice.

            "NERV has fared the tests of the Angels, of God himself. Humanity has survived. But now… humanity is our enemy."

            Misato stands up, interrupting him. "Sir?" The mix of confusion and interest is apparent in her voice, but there seems too much control to it.

            "I won't sugarcoat this. Commander Ikari is dead."

            I blink. The entire crowd seems to gasp. _Surely Fuyutski is joking!_ Father is the invincible Gendo-Fucking-Ikari! He's the most powerful man in the whole damn world! He can't be dead. Misato seems to recover first, as if she almost knew. I can't stop myself from speaking. "What?"

            "Commander Ikari was gunned down in his office, yesterday morning. The assassins were from the organization that used to fund NERV: SEELE. After murdering him, they proceeded to commandeer Unit 01. As you know, we had already prepared all the units for transport to NERV Russia for upgrades. We had hoped it would be out of the country before they could do anything. That way, they'd have to move all their forces to Russia, giving us plenty of time to prepare fully for an attack. They simple drove the unit out of the Geofront, and we didn't know any better until we found the Commander."

            A random tech shouts out, "We have to retrieve it! Imagine what they can do with it?!"

            "Don't worry. It's been taken care of. I know exactly what they wanted: Third Impact." Another collective gasp from the gathered NERV officers. Even I was taken aback. I know my Eva is powerful, but Third Impact? "We had expected a full-scale assault, so we equipped each Evangelion with a remote self-destruct system. The Test-Type's was detonated yesterday morning." He looks me straight in the eyes, with a sad look on his usually stern face. "I'm sorry Shinji." I give him a confused look, but he just turns to walk away. The old, worn man shuffles to the door. He stops in the doorway, leaning against a side, apparently for balance. "The Unit was at SEELE's main base of operations. All the head members of that organization were there, preparing for the final assault against us. SEELE was totally annihilated in the blast. The world is safe. As of ten-hundred-thirty-seven hours, February twelfth, twenty-sixteen, all NERV employees are decommissioned. NERV is done." He stood as straight as he could manage, and walked out the door. Silence was all that was left in his wake.

            De… decommissioned? Unit 01's destroyed?

            Father's dead?

            Misato sits slack-jawed. I can't picture myself much different, at the moment. Ayanami seems… shocked. It's more emotion than I've ever seen on either Rei's face.

-----

            It hasn't sunken in until now. I finally get it as Misato and I speed towards the apartment.

            I'm free.

            Everything I've wanted, I can now have. Evangelion Unit 01 has been destroyed. Its grip on me is gone, like dust in the wind. Father is dead. He'll never force me into anything again.

            I can go. Anywhere. I'm not Shinji Ikari, Third Child and designated Pilot of Evangelion Unit 01, anymore. I'm Shinji Ikari, average fourteen-year-old kid… even if my life still does suck.

            As I walk into the quiet, lonely apartment, I realize something else. This is my home. My body isn't the only thing that rests here. My heart and my soul reside here, in between these walls. There are memories here. Harsh, sad memories. That was when I made up my mind. I'm gonna roam. Maybe just around Tokyo-3. Maybe all of fucking Japan. I'm gonna go looking… until I find…

            Something. Somewhere. Where I can just be "Shinji." Where people will treat me like I'm normal… not the hateful thing I've become.

            I don't know where. I don't know what. I don't know when or how.

            And it's better that way.

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**(November 2019)**

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            "Oi! Yamada! What's going on? You okay, man?" I look at my friend's urgent visage with one of curiosity.

            "I dunno Ikari. There's this weird chick that's outside. She wants to see you. Blue hair, red eyes. Says that you know her from a long time ago." Ichiro Yamada may not be the most tactful guy on the planet, but I can always trust him for the truth and an honest opinion.

            "Thanks. I'll go see what she wants." Ayanami. After all these years. I wonder what she's doing here. I step outside the small shop, and I can't help but stare at her. I bet I'm blushing like an idiot, too.

            She's beautiful. Amazingly so. The schools uniforms of four years ago are gone. She's dressed in a white, long-sleeved blouse and a black skirt. She turns to look at me, and does the oddest thing I've ever seen from her:

            She _beams at me. A full-blown smile. Teeth, cheeks, the works. I'm surprised I don't pass out where I stand. "Ay… Ayanami?"_

            She smiles more, if that's possible. "Ikari-kun." Her voice is soft and familiar.

            Oh God…

            She sounds like Mother…

            I couldn't stop myself from fainting that time.

-----

            I wake up under a white ceiling. It must be the break room at work.

            "Ah, you're awake." Ayanami's voice jogs my memory. She's sitting next to the small cot I'm laying in, reading a book.

            "Deja-fucking-vu…" She gives me a cute confused look.

            "Pardon?"

            "It's just… this seems so familiar… like near the end of the Angels." She frowns slightly. Apparently I'm not the only one who doesn't like to talk about it. I sit up in the cot.

            "Ikari-kun…" I raise a hand and stop her.

            "Shinji. Just Shinji. Under different circumstances, we'd be good friends. Might as well make up for lost time, right?" She's smiling again.

            "Okay… Shinji-kun. You can call me Rei." I smile back. It's good to see her… normal… or at least far more normal than the enigmatic girl I'd last seen years ago. "But you must watch your manners and your mouth. Your speech has become… _vulgar…" She gives me a small, disapproving frown. I can feel my face heating. I still can't get rid of some of these stupid traits from my youth._

              
            "So… sorry, Rei-chan. It's been a while…" I scratch the back of my head sheepishly. I'm feeling self-conscious about cursing so much in front of her. Her smile returns.

            "You are forgiven. However, your vocabulary is not why I'm here." I fix her with a confused look.

            "Why are you here, then?" Honestly, I hadn't even questioned her sudden appearance. Happiness to see her must have overruled my more questioning side. I'm surprised as her countenance turns blank. It's freakishly similar to four years ago.

            "Asuka… is awake…"

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            The first time, I must have been out for five, maybe ten minutes. This time, opening my eyes showed the night sky. Rei must have gotten Yamada to help bring me home. The view of the stars through my apartment window is the same as always. Always beautiful. Reminds me of my real home.

            This apartment is simply where I lay my head. Home has always been Misato's.

            Rei walks in, a smile lightening her features in the dark room. She seems pleased that I'm awake. "Shinji-kun, are you well?"

            "Yeah… sorta. Knowing Asuka's awake is… well… big. Thanks for bringing me home." She answers with a smile. I return it. I swear it's almost like she's trying to make up for all the time she never could express emotion. She was never like this back during the Angels. Even afterwards, during the few months we did almost nothing but press conferences and meetings with the UN, she was still cold and aloof. To see her like this makes me glad. I know it sounds cheesy, but I'd always wondered what she'd be like if she was normal.

            Or at least a facsimile of normalcy

            "You are welcome. If you are up to it, and don't mind, we can leave for Toyko-3 tomorrow." She looks almost hopeful. I can't say no to her.

            "That'd be fine, Rei-chan." We smile at each other again.

            I'm going home.

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            I notice Rei admiring the scenery out of the corner of my eye. She has the same small smile adorning her pretty face, as she stares out the car window. We're on our way to Tokyo-3 and Misato's.

            I'm far more relaxed than I expected to be. I'm going home after four years. Rei's become a normal girl… no… woman. Asuka's awake. No doubt she's a beautiful woman now, too. This is all almost too good to be true.

            But I know it is.

            Ten miles 'til Tokyo-3.

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            I was wrong before. I'm fucking nervous as hell. Palms are sweaty. Hands are shaking. Quick check in the rear-view mirror shows my eyes dilating.

            "Shinji-kun, are you okay?" Rei lays a dainty hand on my shoulder. I feel the tension drain away almost instantaneously. I have no idea how she does it. I keep my eyes on the road, but I still smile. She knows it's directed towards her. She removes her hand, and I miss its presence.

            "Yeah… I'll be fine."

            Tokyo-3 city limits.

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            I pull into the complex parking lot. There a many more cars than when I lived here. Maybe Misato has neighbors now… But who could stand her morning ritual? "Let's go, Rei-chan. I'm sure Misato must be waiting… or drunk." I smile roguishly. I don't know how well it works, if it works at all. It's patterned of the one I'd seen Kaji give so many times, but I never did try it out.

            However, it seems to work well enough. Rei blushes slightly, and her smile grows slightly. She really is beautiful. "You embarrass me." Those same words from so long ago. With emotion not only in her voice, but behind the words themselves, in her actions and posture, I feel lucky to know her. I can only imagine what else has changed.

            Rei knocks politely. "You sure they're here?" She looks at me and smiles again.

            "Of course. They said they'd wait until I brought you home." I smile at the sentiment. I turn from Rei to the door, awaiting the arrival of one of the apartment's occupants. I can hear movement behind the door.

            This is it.

            I'm home.

            The door opens with a faint hiss. I can tell its Misato instantly. Same skimpy attire; same long, dark hair; same deep brown eyes. I watch as a few emotions play across her face. I can't catch any but the last:

            Pure, unadulterated joy.

            She pulls me into a bear hug the likes of which I've never experienced. Planting her face in the crook of my neck, and wrapping her arms around my midsection, I'm immobilized. Apparently she hasn't changed. Than doesn't mean other things haven't. I can tell she's crying. I can feel the salty droplets cascading onto my shoulder. She keeps saying my name, and sobbing. I notice Rei rolling her eyes, as if she's seen this far too many times before. I smile as I return the hug, bringing my arms shakily around her. I notice I'm crying, as well, with slight disinterest. "Hi, Misato. I'm home."

            "Hi, Shinji. Welcome home." I look into her face, and she's smiling. I can't help but return the gesture. All the women in my life have that effect on me, it seems. She gives me another quick squeeze, and then lets me go. The contact is nice, but she's still like a mother to me. "Come on in. Thanks for getting him, Rei-chan."

            "It was no trouble. I've been waiting to see him, as well." She blushes again, only barely, but I can tell.

            "Alright then. Let's go inside. I didn't come back to Tokyo-3 to stand on the doorstep. Ne, Rei-chan? Misato-san?" I give the roguish smile again. Misato looks at me and sighs.

            "Great. Another Kaji. Just what the world needs." I shrug, the smile still present.

            "Great minds think alike, y'know." She harrumphs and gives me a fake glare. I only smile more broadly. We all walk inside, and slip off our shoes. Again, another habit I've never been able to break. I stand up and walk into the oh-so-familiar living room. It doesn't seem much different than when I left. Misato must have picked up cleaning…

            I slowly meander around the room, trying to get a feeling for it again. So many memories locked away in this small space. An unconscious smile comes to my face as I look towards the kitchen, remembering my first kiss. "It's good to be home." Before I can turn to Misato, I hear an odd noise that was stored in the back of my mind.

            "WAAARRK!" Looking down, I see my little friend wrapping his flippers around my leg. Either it's the penguin equivalent of a hug, or he's a lot more intelligent than people think. Pen Pen presses himself into my leg, apparently very happy to see me. I gently dislodge him, and then lift him up to return the hug. He's heavier than I remember, and some gray is interspersed through his plumage. I pet his scalp lightly, receiving something rather close to a contented sigh from the warm-water fowl. "Waark."

            Misato giggles slightly, so I turn back to her, Pen Pen still in my arms. "You haven't killed him, I see. However, I'm betting than he hasn't had a decent meal in years…" Misato gives me a dark look, but I just wink and smile. She knows I'm kidding, and winks back.

            "He missed you a lot, Shinji. This is the happiest he's been in a while." She gives a long, drawn-out breath, just barely a sigh. "We all have."

            "I've missed you guys as well. Speaking of which, where's Asuka?" I freeze as arms encircle me from behind.

            "Right behind you… Baka-Shinji…" My breath catches as she squeezes herself to my back. I feel Asuka lay her head on my shoulder only dimly, as the force of her chest against my back is making me feel very uncomfortable. The feel of her hair against my neck is almost intoxicating. The soft smell of strawberries that comes from her has me frozen and unable to think. I'm sure than I'm staring blankly past Rei and Misato, as my mind seems far too confused for its own good. It's a long time before anything is said.

            "A…Asuka…" My face is flushed something awful, that I know. This is most definitely unexpected.

            "Allo Shinji-kun. Welcome home." She lets go, and I practically sag forward, without her supporting me. Her voice is going to be keeping me up at night for a while. Damn hormones. I eventually manage to turn around to look at her. The moment my eyes settle on her, I gasp.

            If Rei was amazing, Asuka is perfection incarnate.

            My eyes travel up her form: long, coltish legs. Slightly flared hips. Large breasts. My gaze finally reaches her face, and I am once again proven right in my assumption. She's perfect. Modeled by God himself. That face held my gaze. Grabbed it and kept it there.

            Those same shimmering sapphire orbs, with the hint of fire beneath. But the fire was dulled slightly. Her smile. Oh God, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She's smiling honestly, _AT ME, for maybe the first time since I've met her. Smiling with happiness. Joy._

            …Love?

            Must be my overactive imagination and that damned testosterone again. The way her long, golden hair frames her face and cascades over her shoulders, it only adds to her beauty. She's radiant, like the sun. Beautiful, intelligent and self-assured, she's a fiery goddess, in her own right.

            "You can stop staring, Baka…" The way the sentence is delivered, it's nothing like four years ago. There is no anger, no malice. Only teasing.

            I spin around, blushing profusely and apologizing even more so. The other girls are laughing at me. I'm going to burst a blood vessel from all this blushing. Asuka steps in front of me.

            "So…" She pauses, to look me over. "How've you been, Shinji?" The smile hasn't left her face, and there's a trace of mirth in her eyes. She's truly, honestly, content. I can't help but grin at her.

            "Uh… I've been okay. I'm a cook at a small shop, back in Osaka-2. It doesn't pay much, but it's just the kind of job I've always wanted." It really is. It's quiet, and the customers are friendly. My boss is a nice guy, and he never even mentions my old… profession… I almost shudder in distaste at the though of piloting, but I suppress it in front of Asuka.

            "That's nice. I see you've been rather busy lately…" She steps forward, and rubs a hand along my face. It reminds me that I haven't shaved in a day or two. However, the thought is silenced by the sound of blood rushing through my ears. She smirks at me, but it doesn't seem malicious. "You'll never look like Kaji, y'know."

            "I wasn't trying to." So I lied. I give her a Kaji-brand smile, and it seems to work, as she smiles at me again. Ryouji was the closest thing to a real father-figure I had, after mother died. If only to spite Father, I started adopting some of Kaji's… behaviors. The bastard who left me behind got left behind, himself. _Payback's a bitch, no? Asuka puts on a seductive smile of her own, and I can feel part of me melting. Damnit, these hormones need to get themselves in check. "Wh… what about you?"_

            She seems to puff up at the chance to flaunt her accomplishments. At least that hasn't changed. I don't know how I could react to that. However, she almost visible deflates, like she's trying to be modest. "Not much, actually. Next week, I'm starting my job as a nurse."

            I blink. "A nurse?"

            "I had a lot of respect for those people who had to put up with me when I woke up. I appreciate all they went through to help me get better. That, and my psychiatrist said it would be good for me to interact with people."

            "How long has it been?"

            "Huh…?" Her thoughtful gaze turns confused, before the meaning sinks in. "Oh… about a year now…"

            I must have gasped, or screamed, or something. All I know is that the girls are looking at me nervously and my right hand is clenching and unclenching. I could have sworn I broke that habit at least two years ago… "A… a year?! Why the hell are you only telling me about this now?!" They all shudder slightly. Noticing this, I feel my face heat up with shame, and I calm myself. I turn to each woman, glancing at each. The confusion-filled countenance I'm undoubtedly wearing probably asks louder than my screaming. Asuka is the first to answer.

            "I wasn't ready, Shinji. I don't know what would have happened if you'd have been there when I woke up. First off, it took me half a year of rehab before I could even do basic things like walking and talking. The next four months were filled with psychiatric evaluations. I don't know exactly what I would have done, but if you'd have come when I woke up, I'd have made you hate me…"

            Before I know it, I'm cutting her off. "I'd never hate you! I never have…" I begin to blush at my sudden brashness, and Asuka does as well. It looks like Rei and Misato have gone off somewhere, but I didn't notice until now. Asuka sits down on the couch, and past the seat cushion next to her. I sit awkwardly, and lay my hands at my sides. A peek at her shows that she has her hands in her lap, and that she is biting her lip in a very cute fashion.

            "Shinji… when you weren't there when I woke up, I thought some very mean things about you. I know now that it was for the best, but at the time… I was angry… I want to apologize…" I'm fully aware of how my jaw hangs limply. This Asuka is much different than the brash young girl I'd met on Over the Rainbow. The change in her is comparable to the change in Rei.

            More beautiful. Easily so, in both cases.

            More… mature. Grown up. Both physically and emotionally.

            But the Asuka I know _never apologized. That'd always been my forte. I assume fours years really can change a person, even one as hard-headed as Asuka Langley Sohryu…_

            Even if she was comatose for three of them. But that's the past. I'm here for the future. "Uhh… don't worry. There's no need for forgiveness. You don't have to be sorry. A lot of shit has happened, and it's safe to say we were both pretty fucked up back then." She frowns noticeably. "But I wouldn't be back here if I hadn't forgiven you for everything. I am not sure what happened to you, but I know that it must have been bad…" I put a hand on hers, to try and comfort her. "I heard the way you screamed when that… _monster_… _attacked you… I was beside myself. I couldn't stand to listen to it destroy you from the inside. God, Asuka… it hurt so much listening to it… and the whole time… I just wished it was me." I see tears well up in her eyes. "That I was the one being torn apart, not you. That you'd be safe and sound in cryostasis, with me fighting that thing. I don't want to make the same mistake again." I extend a hand, and she takes it, almost thoughtfully. "Friends?"_

            She dries the tears with her other hand, and puts on a small smile, but I see a small glimmer of something in her eyes… _Is that disappointment?_ She squeezes my hand slightly. "Friends."

-----

            Asuka and I just talked for the next hour or so. Just talk between friends, mainly menial things. Polite things. Y'know the average stuff between two average teenaged friends. But the thing is, it's the first conversation I can remember where we didn't fight once. Not once. It's like… a miracle or something. However, she'd been beating around the bush for the last few minutes. Like she wanted to ask something, but didn't know how…

            Or was afraid to…

            Pfft. Yeah right. Asuka's never been afraid of anything. Because I'm pondering it, it's not more than a small surprise when she tries to ask. "Shinji… uhm…" I prompt her with a small nod. She refuses to make eye contact, and settles her view on the seat cushion. "Ach. Mein gott… uhm… I'm just gonna ask…" I'm most definitely puzzled as her cheeks take a rosy hue. "…Do… you… have a… y'know…" Her voice gets softer with each syllable, and I'm not sure if she just trailed off, or she just said it far too quietly for me to understand. However, my mind starts working on it, and when it decides what was said, I'm sure I heard it wrong. Damnit. I'm blushing again. Being a teenager sucks.

            "Uhh… what?" She seems relieved at the slight reprieve.

            "N… nothing. Never mind." Her eyes seem to glance at everything but me.

            "Did you just ask… if I was seeing someone?" I'm genuinely confused.

            "Well… uhh… yeah." She's probably blushing more than I am, but I can't tear my view from the carpet to find out.

            "Uhm… no. No, I don't. What about you?"

            "No… me either." She finally fixes my gaze with her own. "Shinji?" She says my name in a breathy whisper, and my heart starts beating a couple times faster. I didn't know her voice could affect me like it is… "Uhh…"

            "I'm bored." My eyes practically bulge out of my head, but only until soft lips capture mine. It's a very small, chaste kiss, but my body doesn't care. We're being kissed. And by a gorgeous woman, nonetheless.

            _Oh my God. It's a dream. I know it. This is just a horrible, terrible dream to taunt me when I wake up. But then it ends. It never ends in a dream. She pulls away, face flushed a deep red. The look in her eyes shows me I'm not dreaming. She talks again, in that same sexy voice._

            "Mmm… I take it back… Kissing for boredom isn't so bad…" She gives me a wink. "As long as it's with you…" She leans in for another kiss, and I oblige.

            Honestly, at the moment, I don't consider the consequences of this. I don't care if Rei and Misato are watching. I don't care if there's a laser sight on my head, and I'm about to die. All I can acknowledge is that Asuka is kissing me. _Really kissing me. I don't know when her tongue starting probing my mouth, nor do I know when mine started to return the favor. I don't know how the hell I'm doing this. This is my third kiss, counting that one a few seconds ago. But it all feels so… __right. My body's running on instinct, and I'm sure I don't have any control over anything but my mind. Honestly, I don't really care._

            She moans into the kiss slightly, as I pull her closer to me. I can feel her breasts pressed up against my chest, and her hands running along my back. This is good. It means I'm doing _something_ right. One of her hands rises up to run through my hair, so I return the favor. The other holds her tightly to me, almost possessively. Everything about her is soft. I'd say fragile, but I know she's certainly not. Her face, her arms, her hair, her lips… Oh God. She's amazing, and I'm making out with her.

            I am the fucking luckiest man on this God-forsaken planet.

            We finally part for air. I look into her eyes, which are heavy with desire. I'm sure I have the same look in my eyes. "Mmm… that was nice, Shinji-kun…"

            "Uhh… yeah…" Shit, I can barely talk. It's amazing I haven't just fallen over from shock. I run my hand through her hair, and she smiles. "That… was definitely more than nice…" I smile and she gives me a little peck.

            "Of course. I'm the great Asuka Langley. Everything I do is amazing." She winks, and I pull her closer to me. We wrap each other in a hug, and sit that way for a long time.

            "I could get used to this…"

-----

            Asuka and I must have been cuddling on the couch for another fifteen, twenty minutes before the other girls came back.

            "Hey guys. We decided to go out and grab some stuff for dinner." Misato is smiling at us, with a knowing look. Damnit, she'd probably planned this… I have to force a clam, happy tone into my voice. I'll get her back later…

            "Okay, Misato. You want me to cook?"  
  


            "If you want, Shinji-kun. We got some assorted sushi."

            "Great." I give Asuka a smile, which she returns. I notice Misato grin a little bit wider, and Rei cocks an eyebrow. "I'll get to it, then." I leave the room, and I can hear hushed conversation in my wake.

-----

            I love to cook.

            It's one of the few things I can truly enjoy.

            It lets me focus myself, yet still be able to let my mind wander. My body works on autopilot, and I don't need to think about what I'm making. I'm happy for the time to ponder things in my life.

            Things like Asuka.

            I used to think that I'd n ever get that close to anyone. That no one would ever even want to be that close to me. I was weak. I was cowardly. I was so fucked up.

            Or so I thought. That's why I left – to go looking for a way to become strong. A way to become courageous. To un-fuck my life.

            I wanted to be the _real_ In-fucking-vincible Shinji Ikari.

            That's how I met Ichiro Yamada.

-----

**Flashback – June 2017**

-----

            I was walking down some main street in Osaka-2. I really just never tried to find out which one it was. It was a sweltering summer day, like every other day in Post-Second Impact Japan. I'd been walking since maybe eight in the morning, and it was about noon.

            I figured this sidewalk was as good a place as any to sit and rest.

            "'Ey, man. You look thirsty." I turned to look at the guy who'd spoken to me. He looked to be my age, but his clothing seemed old, maybe from even before the Impact. He had short red hair, pale skin and dark brown eyes. "What?" I realized I must have been staring.

            "Oh… sorry. Yeah, I am kinda thirsty. Sure, I could use something to drink." He seemed to pull the spring water from nowhere, and dropped it almost carelessly into my hand.

            "Enjoy"

            "Hey, thanks. I'm Shinji."

            "No prob. Name's Yamada. Ichiro Yamada. Old school rocker, at your service. What's a kid like you wandering around on a day like this?" He gives me an odd look, like I was dancing around in my underwear or something.

            "I'm just… I don't know. Looking for something, I guess."

            "Y'know what? I bet I can help ya. This is my apartment building. Come on up, and I'll see what I can do." He smiled, and I didn't feel the usual lack of good-meaning in him. Maybe he really did want to help.

            "Uhh… okay." I followed him to the small three-room flat. At first glance, it was a sty. Discarded cartons of takeout littered the floor, and the walls were literally covered in posters. Most I'd never heard of, and a few that I knew by reputation. Although, I must admit, I had only listened to Classical and J-Pop until that point. "Wow… I've never heard of most of these…" I gesture to the many wall scrolls.

            "Yeah. Most are from long before us." He points to a corner. "Most of those are from the Nineties. Offspring, mainly. Sad, honestly. They lost a guitarist in the Impact, and broke up soon after." He nodded sagely, considering it. I had no idea who they were; I just went along with it.

            "Yamada-san, you said you could help." I gave a small, pleading look. "How?" Oddly, or at least it was at the time, he gave me a wry grin. I'd later learn that he always grinned like that when he had something planned. But at that moment, it just kind of unsettled me. He moves off to another corner of the main room, and starts fishing in a pile of CDs.

            "Where the hell… Damnit… where'd I put that thing… Ah! Here it is. Prepare to be helped, Shinji-san." He put the CD, which I noticed was mainly black, into a CD player. He hit the start button, and skipped it ahead to the third track, but stopped it before the music started. Hopping onto the couch, he motioned for me to do the same. I sat down, and looked to him. He just smiled, and pointed a remote at the machine. With a simple click, the song began.

            At first, it was just a guitar riff, but more electronic. Then, some more beats came in from the background. The song picked up, then slowed for a few seconds, and the lyrics began.

**_When this began,_**

**_I had nothing to say,_**

**_and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me._**

**_I was confused,_**

**_and I let it all out to find,_**

**_that I'm not the only person with these things in mind._**

**_Inside of me,_**

**_but all the vacancy the words revealed,_**

**_is the only real thing that I've got left to feel._**

**_Nothing to lose,_**

**_just stuck,_**

**_hollow and alone,_**

**_and the fault is my own,_**

**_and the fault is my own._**

****

            The song was very interesting. A combination of the "rap" I heard about; it had been somewhat popular in America before Second Impact; and the rock 'n' roll that was also popular. It was all in English, but I could understand it well enough How this guy had this stuff was beyond me. The guitars and electronic beats merged well, making a very smooth, powerful sound. I couldn't say I didn't like it.

****

**_I want to heal._**

**_I want to feel,_**

**_what I thought was never real._**

**_I want to let go of the pain I've held so long._**

**_[Erase all the pain, 'til it's gone.]_**

**_I want to heal._**

**_I want to feel,_**

**_Like I'm close to something real._**

**_I want to find something I've wanted all along:_**

**_Somewhere I belong._**

****

            I almost gasped. _Apparently I'm not the only one…_

****

**_And I've got nothing to say,_**

**_I can't believe I didn't fall on my face._**

**_I was confused._**

**_Looking everywhere,_**

**_only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind._**

**_So what am I?_**

**_What do I have but negativity?_**

**_'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me._**

**_Nothing to lose._**

**_Nothing to gain,_**

**_hollow and alone,_**

**_and the fault is my own._**

**_The fault is my own._**

****

**_I want to heal._**

**_I want to feel,_**

**_what I thought was never real._**

**_I want to let go of the pain I've held so long._**

**_[Erase all the pain, 'til it's gone.]_**

**_I want to heal._**

**_I want to feel,_**

**_Like I'm close to something real._**

**_I want to find something I've wanted all along:_**

**_Somewhere I belong._**

****

**I must be openly staring. Ichiro's just grinning at me.**

****

**_I will never know,_**

**_myself until I do this on my own._**

**_And I will never feel,_**

**_anything else, until my wounds are healed._**

**_I will never be,_**

**_anything until my wounds are healed._**

**_I will never be,_**

**_anything 'til I break away from me._**

**_And I will break away._**

**_I'll find myself, today._**

****

**_I want to heal._**

**_I want to feel,_**

**_What I thought was never real._**

**_I want to let go of the pain I've held so long._**

**_[Erase all the pain, 'til it's gone.]_**

**_I want to heal._**

**_I want to feel,_**

**_Like I'm close to something real._**

**_I want to find something I've wanted all along:_**

**_Somewhere I belong._**

**_I want to heal._**

**_I want to feel like I'm,_**

**_Somewhere I belong._**

**_I want to heal._**

**_I want to feel like I'm,_**

**_Somewhere I belong._**

**_Somewhere I belong._**

            I give him a look as the song dies, and the grin just widens. "And you've been helped. The great Yamada-sama saves the day once again." He just grabs a can of soda and tosses to it me. I catch it and pop it open. "Remember, Shin-man. If you don't accept your problems, you'll never be able to overcome them." Another smirk, and a wink, and he's off to do whatever it was he did. I sat there for what must have been a long time, just pondering the song and sipping the soda. _Maybe he was right… Maybe he has helped me… Soon enough, Ichiro came back, holding a bag of what looked to be takeout. "'Ey, Shin-man. I figured you might be hungry." He holds out a bag that must be mine._

            "Yeah… thanks, Yamada-san." I smile a little, and take the bag.

            "Cut it with the 'Yamada-san' stuff. 'Sides, it's only fair, as I don't know your last name." He smirks again, but it didn't seem so odd now.

            "Ik… Ikari." His eyes practically bulged from his head, and he dropped the chopsticks he'd been holding.

            "IKARI?! Shinji Ikari as in THIRD CHILD Shinji Ikari?!" He's gaping at me, and I just sighed heavily, but eventually nodded. "Whoa… dude… you're like… famous and shit. What the fuck are you doing, wandering around Osaka-2 in the middle of the summer?"

            "Trying to avoid that fame, for one thing." I gave him a slightly cross look, to which he just smiled nervously. "I haven't done anything worth fame. All I did was hurt and kill! Why the hell does everyone put me on some kind of fucking pedestal?! I'm a fucking monster!" I didn't mean to scream at him, but I just needed to get it off my chest.

            "Dude… I didn't know… But as far as I can tell, you're no monster. You saved the world a bunch of times, dude!"

            "Damnit, so fucking WHAT?!?! Do you know how many friends I hurt?! How I had to CRUSH Kaoru with my goddamn Eva's BARE HANDS?! Do you know what it's like to kill the only person who ever really fucking understood you? Of course not! But everyone thinks I'm some kind of unstoppable fighter, like I ripped the Angels to shreds with absolutely no casualties! BUT I DIDN'T! I killed people! I injured so many that it hurts to even think about it! How the fuck do you people think I'm some kind of hero, when all I can do is be manipulated to destroy?!" I was crying, and he looked shocked.

            "Dude… you need to mellow out. You fought a war. People die. There are injuries. You just don't look back. No one ever did anything important by staring into the past. Look forwards, and keep walking. You'll always remember, but you don't need to go on an eternal guilt trip. 'The needs of the many are more important than the needs of the few.' Just be happy that the majority of humanity is still alive. We beat the Angels, and we've proven we can survive. But we gotta do so much more! You can't beat yourself up because you hurt a few people! It's not your fault!"

            "Bullshit. I could have done something to keep those people safe."

            "You're deluding yourself. Giant robot or not, you're no omnipotent being.  You can't save everyone."

            "Why the fuck do you care?"

            "Because I know that you're gonna tear yourself apart."

            "Good. The world'd be better off without me." I'd been expecting him to do something, but punching me wasn't on the list.

            "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! Never say that! If it weren't for you, we'd ALL BE DEAD! EVERYONE! Don't fucking think you're the only one with problems!" He glared at me, and I glared right back.

            "FUCK YOU!" I stomped out of the apartment, and rushed back to my own. By the time I finally got there, his words were still crashing through my mind. I threw myself into my bed, still dressed, and tried to sleep. If I was lucky, I'd forget everything before I even woke up. I'd hoped, prayed, and pleaded with any deity that would listen that I'd never see Ichiro Yamada again.

            Pfft. Bad luck's my best friend.

-----

**(November 2019)**

-----

            The buzzing of the stove's timer brings me back to current affairs. The rice is done, and all I need to do is set the table. It's another thing preprogrammed into my body, so I have more time to reflect. I decide to stick with the topic, as it keeps me from thinking of Asuka…

            Eventually, I bumped into Ichiro again. We almost killed each other. After that, though, we actually became friends. It's been more than two years now, and we still hang out all the time. He always enjoyed showing me his extensive collection of pre-Impact music, and my tastes in music have changed as well. I showed him my cello, and though he still doesn't like classical, he can deal with my practicing. It feels good to have more that two SDAT tapes. I've got a bunch now, a lot of it copied from Ichiro. The rest have been bought from random corner shops and such.

            Oh well, the table's set and the food's ready. No more time for idle thought. "Asuka! Misato! Rei! Dinner's ready!" Misato and Asuka come quickly, like always. _Can never keep them from a good meal._ Rei comes last, at a more leisurely pace. She still seems calm and composed, but there's a difference. They've all changed, and I have, too. I sit down, and smile at everyone. Asuka cocks an eyebrow, Rei smiles slightly, and Misato's eating with abandon, between chugs of beer. "Well, Misato's got the right idea. Let's eat!"

-----

            Dinner goes by smoothly, with some idle conversation and relaxing. After I clean up, by myself as usual, I go to sit in the family room. We're all clustered on the couches, Asuka sitting next to me, while Misato and Rei take the other. We're watching something on television, commenting randomly. "Do you see how he's plotting against the other characters? The funny part is that…" I'm in the middle of a conversation with Rei about the irony in the scene we're watching, when suddenly, I feel a warm weight on my back. I stop cold, and as Asuka wraps her arms around me, I kinda totter a bit.

            "Shiiiinji-kun…" She whispers in the same voice she'd used earlier in the day, and I find myself blushing. She always knows how to get me off-balance. "I'm _bored…" The fact that my nose hasn't exploded in blood is the only thought that keeps it from doing so. I have to focus on that thought, and I just might make it._

            "Uhh…" Wow. I deserve a fucking award. _Shinji Ikari, World's Biggest SPAZ!_ I need to get better at this…

            "Aww! Isn't that cuuuuuute!" I'm blushing horribly, and the fact that the other girls are watching is gonna make me hyperventilate. I really need to stop blushing. I swear, between my face and certain other parts of my anatomy, my heart must be pumping out everything! _FUCKING HORMONES!_ I turn around in Asuka's hug, and I shiver at what I see in her eyes. It's a combination of so many emotions that I can't discern any of them… though I can assume lust is one of them, as she pushes herself right into my chest. I blush even harder; it takes my mind a second to deduce just how it knows she's feeling a good deal of lust… I can feel it through my shirt, and I swear I'm gonna bust a fucking vein at this rate. Misato and Rei leave, and I can't say I'm not glad. I'm pretty sure I hear a call of "Don't do anything I would!" and the confused reply "What would you do?" Honestly, I don't really care.

            Asuka waits for the door to slam shut, but not a second longer before she's practically jamming her tongue down my throat.

            Not that I'm complaining. Fuck that! I'm sure as hell not!

            Though it started as a surprise, soon I'm kissing her back just as hard. Her hands are on my shoulders, forcing me to the couch. Mine roam her back, as I hold her to me. God, it's a rush to want anything this badly, and I'm sure that she'd agree. Of course, at the moment, I can barely explain what I'm feeling. It's like this all-encompassing heat, and the only thing that can soothe the burn is Asuka. God, that sounded so corny. She pulls back for a second for a quick breather. Gazing into her eyes, I can see myself. I look damn content. I smile, and lean back into her. As our lips meet again, she presses herself into me more, and wraps her arms around my midsection. My arms are still roaming her back, but are moving lower. Damn hormones have me on autopilot…

            Oh well. I'm happy, she's happy. Screw my problems.

            I can hear her moan into the kiss, and notice that a certain part of me is _very happy. She seems to become aware of it, and starts to rock her hips to mine. _Holy crap… this is crazy…_ She opens her eyes, and looks deep into mine. Lust seems to be clouding most everything else, but I think I see a hint of something that might be something deeper. She pulls away a bit, and the roiling heat on my skin returns. "Shinji… I want you so bad right now…"_

            "A… Asuka… I-I… I want you too… but I dunno…" I focus my sight on the ceiling above us, "This is all so… sudden… I mean, it's not bad…. Hell no! This is amazing… but… I dunno…" I meet her gaze again, but she doesn't seem disappointed. I don't know why I was expecting her to be, but that's a mystery for later.

            "Shinji… I… I've wanted to do this for a long time. I've had a while to think about… us. I know it may seem fast and all, but I really think this is what I should have realized a while ago…" She leans in and kisses me, but it's a soft peck. She pulls back again, and I can see honesty and that deep, yet unidentifiable, emotion shining in her cerulean orbs. My breath catches slightly in my throat, and I move a hand to stroke her cheek. She nuzzles against my palm, and I can tell I must be beaming. I wonder if my face'll crack. "I want you, Shinji Ikari. That it's taken me this long to realize it; I've been the idiot, not you. You always stood your ground, even if it was only when it was absolutely necessary. I just hid from the world, and I'm an idiot and a coward for it."

            "Asuka… you're not. During the Angels, I really was an idiotic wuss. I had to loose everything I cared about before I realized that my lack of action was hurting others more than it was helping me. Like I said before, when that thing tore into your mind, I realized that I might have lost you… I didn't want that. I couldn't deal with that." I notice that her smile slips slightly at the mention of the Fifteenth. "I made my Eva go berserk, and I ripped straight out of the restraints. I was gonna get up there and rip the Angel to pieces. I got so angry that it might be taking you from me, even if I wasn't aware of it. I… Asuka, I don't want you to leave. Ever. The thought that you might not be there one day… it scares me. I don't want to be without you… I don't want to watch you go. I want to be with you."

            "I love you, Asuka." I see traces of tears building in her eyes. She's smiling again, and as tears start to spill forth, I pull her to my chest. "And that's why we shouldn't do anything to serious now. I mean, you're amazing. You're the most beautiful woman I have ever met, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I just… I don't want to taint you. I haven't found what I'm looking for yet and…" She places a finger on my lips. The tears are still flowing, albeit slowly, and the smile still highlights her face.

            "I think you have… You've been looking for somewhere where you'll belong, where people won't judge you…" She has a serious look in the deep pools that pass for her eyes, and it only slightly lessens the smile she's wearing.

            "You belong with me."

-----

            Ever heard of Cloud 9?

            I'm _so_ there.

            As I wake the next morning, Asuka curled up in my arms, all I can do is smile. Beam, really, but are you gonna argue semantics with me?

            Thought not.

            I'm just… so… happy, would work, I guess. But it's so much more. I feel complete. Complete in a way I've never felt before. I have someone. And not just anyone… _the one. The one I've been looking for. How cheesy is that? Guy's life sucks. Guy goes wandering. Guy comes back to where he started and finds what he was looking for. This could be one of those stupid romance novels. The protagonists get together, and live happily for the rest of their lives._

            And have lots of sex.

            Maybe my life being a romance novel wouldn't be so bad. I smirk at the thought, and I can feel my cheeks heat slightly. Asuka mumbles something in her sleep, and I focus my gaze on her face. _The love of my life. I'm a lucky bastard._ I shake her a little, trying to drag her slowly into the world of wakefulness. "Asu-chan… wake up… It's morning…"

            "Ich möchte nicht aufwachen, Mama…"

            I'm confused, as I still can't understand when she speaks German, but that's okay. We'll get around that, I'm sure of it.

            "Ich bin komfortabel..." She nuzzles into me, and though her words are nearly unintelligible, I can tell she's not saying anything bad.

            "Wake up, Asu-chan. It's time for breakfast." I shake her again slightly, and she cracks her eyes open slightly.

            "Shinji?" I smile down at her, and though she seems confused at first, she soon comes back to herself, and grins back. I can't help but lean down and kiss her softly. As we part, she's still smiling, and I am too. "Guten morgen, Shin-kun."

            "Good morning, Asuka. What would you like for breakfast today?" I hear some grumbling down the hall, and blanch at the though of Rei and Misato seeing us curled up on the couch, holding each other last night. Asuka seems to take a second before she realizes it too, but she's still half-asleep, and I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. "Oh shit…" Rei chooses that time to walk in, a teasing smirk on her face.

            "Are you two gonna make out on the couch all morning? 'Cause Misato and I can mysteriously disappear again… we've got nothing better to do, really." She smirks more broadly at us, and I'm blushing again. Damnit. Stupid fucking face… stay pale! "Don't worry, you two. I'll make breakfast. Just don't start screwing on the couch… we need it for guests." Rei skips out of the room, barely avoiding a pillow thrown by me very irate, very red-faced girlfriend. I pull her to my chest, and hug her.

            "Calm down, Asu-chan. She's just teasing you." I nuzzle my face into her hair, enjoying the soft, silky feel of the crimson tresses. "I love you, and that's all that matters." Asuka tenses slightly, but then melts into my arms. I smile inwardly, and let go slightly. I turn her around in my arms, then pull her close to me again. "Besides," I smirk suggestively, "We could always get her back by messing up the couch…" I laugh as she turns red and thwaps me softly.

            "Pervert." She sticks her tongue out at me, but I catch it with my lips and pull her into another kiss. As we part, she's smiling again. Almost under her breath, she mumbles, "My pervert." I smile and stand us both up. We straighten our clothes, and walk to the kitchen.

            It's not just breakfast anymore. Not when you've got someone you love to share it with. Did I mention that I'm a lucky bastard?

-----

**(November, 2020)**

-----

            "Asuka!" I smile as I see my girlfriend walk into the restaurant. We've been going out for nearly a year now, and she's been coming to the Fortress almost every day to see me. She's gotta be the best girlfriend a guy can get. I try to be just as good, if not better, to her. I've stayed true to that promise I made that night in Misato's apartment. We haven't done anything, but I'm not sure how much longer I can wait before I just can't help it anymore. It's not my fault. But I'll get to that later. I've got a girlfriend to greet. "How are you?"

            "Good, Shinji. Misato and Rei are helping me pack up my stuff. I hope your apartment really will hold us…"

            "Of course it will. I shared it with Ichiro for a while, while his was being fumigated. We had plenty of room. Right, Yamada?!"

            "I don't know what's supposed to be right, but I'll agree anyway!" my American-born responds, and I just droop my head, shake it and sigh. He walks up to us, and smiles that odd little smile of his. "Answered wrong again, right?"

            "Shut up Yamada. I hate you."

            "Everyone does, Shinji. Everyone's always hating on the punk rockers." He fakes a frown, then winks at me, and I just let out another sigh.

            "Hello? Any divine being that will listen? I have a question: What the hell did I do? Did I kill your pet rabbits or something? Jeez…" Asuka thwaps me, and Ichiro just laughs. "Alright. I'm going with Asuka. See ya later, Ichiro."

            "Later, Shin-man. Don't do anything I would." He winks again, then runs back into the kitchen to cook… and escape my fiery significant other's temper.

            "Come on Asuka. We've got moving to do." I bring her to the back room, throw my apron into the laundry, grab my bag and turn to her. "Let's go, love." She grins at me, and I do the same. We link hands and walk out of the restaurant.

-----

**(December, 2020)**

-----

            "Shinji! Help me put up these Christmas lights!" She gestures to the tangled multicolor lights that lay in a pile in front of her.

            "One second!" I finish with the star on top of the tree, and hop down to help her. It takes a good half hour, but we manage to get all the lights up. "There. All done. Now, if you'll do the honors, Ms. Sohryu…"

            "I'd be glad to, Mr. Ikari." She smiles and giggles to me, and I laugh with her. She flips a small switch, and the lights all start glowing at once. It's a pretty sight, but when I turn to look at Asuka, all I can see is an Angel. A perfect, peaceful, beautiful Angel.

            The multicolored lights play on her slightly disheveled hair, giving it a bright and happy, albeit a tad unnatural, color. Her eyes shine with happiness, and her face is set in a small, contented smile. I don't know if she's ever looked so beautiful to me before… maybe she had and I was just too stupid to realize it. She looks at me curiously, and I stand speechless for a few seconds. Gather my wits about me, I manage to say, "You're… you're beautiful, Asuka." She blushes slightly, but her smile widens. I step forward  and embrace her. I look down into her gorgeous sapphire eyes, and she looks up to stare into my own eyes. I lean forward, and she does as well. Our lips meet, and something sparks through the both of us.

            And that night, we became one.

            In mind…

            In soul…

            And in body.

-----

Owari.

-----

**Author's Notes:**

            Well, that's Somewhere I Belong. I hope you've enjoyed this little one-shot. Feel free to review this story, and leave any comments, criticisms, hate mail, etc. I had a ball writing this, and even though it took far longer than I expected, I'm proud of the result. Maybe someday I'll replace that last scene with a lemon, but I think leaving it rather Limey is fine. If you want to contact me about anything, this fic included, e-mail me at superjew27@hotmail.com, or use my AIM name "aurixblade." Again, I hope you've enjoyed this little foray of mine. Please be kind… review…

            Oh shit, that doesn't rhyme at all. Aww fuck. Oh well. See ya later!

-Alexei


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